The Lost Gospel According to Whats' his Name

Michael Ortiz Hill

Recently in a cave somewhere south of the Dead Sea and north of Sodom and Gomorrah the Gospel According to Whats' his Name was uncovered. Apparently of Essene origin, scholars are busy puzzling out the significance of this find and are still lost in the labor of translation. One fragment has emerged that is especially interesting.

The Gospel According to Whats' his Name seems to hew, by and large, to the canonical account of Christ rising Lazarus from the dead. "Jesus wept" we are told when he had heard that his dear friend had expired. "Pious son of Sodom arise and yet again arise" exclaimed the Lord.

And so he did.

The Gospel According to Whats' his Name claims that after Lazarus climbed out of he grave and blew the mud from his nose his first words resonated throughout the ancient world and indeed to this very day . "Oysxl fpn!!!" lithped Lazarus. "OYSXL #!%$#! FPN."

Those of you who may be a bit rusty in your first century Aramaic may well wonder what exactly "oysxl fpn" means that has delivered scholars into such excitement. I interviewed Dr.Winifred Surazal of the Ripleys School of Biblical Archeology in Wasco, California.

"Well Oysxl of course means 'holy' as in 'oysxl,oysxl,oysxl is the Lord God of Hosts…' That kind of thing."

"Is it related at all to the Yiddish word "oy".

"No. Biblical scholars have not been able to establish any connection between the Aramaic of scripture and Yiddish. Different Jews altogether, I m afraid."

"And 'fpn'. What does that mean?"

"Ah 'fpn'.

"Well 'fpn' is used rarely in scripture and never with the adjective 'oysxl'. That is one reason Biblical scholars are so excited about this fragment. For example there is Job 9:31 "God throws me into a pit of filth (fpn) and even my clothes are ashamed of me." Or Nahum 3:6 when the prophet is recounting Gods curse of Nineveh, "And I will cast abominable filth (fpn) upon thee and make thee as vile, and set thee as a gazingstock."

"Help me here professor. God arranged with Satan to test Jobs' piety yet threw Job himself into a pit of fpn so he was humiliated by his own clothes? And then threw fpn at the Ninevites and set them as gazingstocks? That's all a bit over the top dont't you think?"

"Well it is scripture. God is God. Truly, if your God then what exactly does 'over the top'mean ?"

"Good point," I deferred.

"And so we are in a whole new covenant with the Lord and Lazarus rises up at Christs' beckoning and says in effect "Holy Shit!"

"That's one way of translating, yes. A bit crude but remember Lazarus was citizen of Sodom."

"And '#!%$#!' ?

"Were working on translating that right now."

"Thankyou Dr. Surazal. And may God bless your important work."

" And thank you"

And so dear brothers and sisters thus saith the Word of God: Holy Shit I m alive. Holy #!%$#! Shit!

A recent e mail from Dr. Surazal informs me that recent digs are even now finding evidence of a sect of second century Sodomites who established their liturgy and healing ceremonials around the chanting of Holy Shit. I ll keep you posted should I hear anything new about these important discoveries. Until then repeat after me:

Oysxl fpn!

Oysxl fpn!

OYSXL #!%$#! FPN!!!!!!!


St. Andrews Abbey
Valyermo, California
Christmas Eve, 2004